Or what if I stop thinking and just get on with it? Feel the fear and do it anyway. Fear is natural....I felt this way before I started uni, before my year abroad, before camp, and those things turned out ok. Better than ok even. And I think feeling scared is almost good, because for so long I haven't really felt anything, I have just been numb to the world. The only fear I have actually felt has been associated with gaining weight and eating foods I consider scary. This is different - I'm not scared about going to Africa because of the food or my weight, but because it's so daunting, so new and I have no idea what to expect.
Anorexia is a bitch. Just when I think it's starting to lessen, it rears its ugly head again. This is my response to any kind of fear or anxiety I think, to distract myself from what is really bothering me by fussing about what I weigh and what I eat. For the past week or so the anorexic thoughts have increased, probably because I'm so nervous about going away. It's far easier for my brain to waste time worrying about the calorie content of every muffin in Starbucks than for me to contemplate what I am about to do, and the possibility that I might fail. But the anorexia has already taken so much from me, and I won't let it win again. To do that would mean not only letting myself down, but other people too. People like my family and friends who have supported me, encouraged me, made me realise that I am stronger than I thought I was, that I can be anyone I want to be and do anything I want to do. And, most importantly, I don't want to let down the people I am going to be working with. It may sound corny, but I want to help people, to make a difference and do something positive for people, no matter how small an impact I may have. So I need to adopt the slogan of a certain well-known sportswear brand, stop thinking so much and just bloody do it!
You cannot find peace by avoiding life.
~ The Hours
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