T-minus 2 days!

In the words of John Denver, all my bags are packed, I'm ready to go and I'm leaving on a jet plane in about 48 hours! It feels like forever ago since I decided to do this trip, but at the same time I can't believe it is actually here. I'm not sure how I'm feeling to be quite honest. Probably a huge combination of nerves, excitement and anticipation.

For a change, I don't have very much to say........just a massive massive thank you to the people who have supported me in doing this and also for the donations I have been given to take to Cape Town. I will do my best to keep this blog updated while I am away - if not then there might be some pretty epic posts when I get home in December!

Either you decide to stay in the shallow end of the pool or you go out in the ocean.

~ Christopher Reeve

Surrounded by love

My sister told me not long ago that I have a lot of love surrounding me, and to use that for strength. She and I don't agree on everything (harem pants and Donny Osmond, for example, are areas on which we have had to agree to disagree!) but I think she's pretty right on that one.

Since I have finally started to open my eyes to the world around me I have seen that I am very lucky to have certain people in my life, not least some incredible friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin - no pun intended(!) and a wonderfully supportive family who accept me for who I am, love me despite my flaws (which are many, and range from being a pain in restaurants and crying over food to supporting John and Edward on their quest for X-Factor victory!), who never judge and who make me see that there is always hope. And without those people I would not have made it through the past year. Because of them, I am learning to accept myself as I am, flaws and all. I am terrified about the next few weeks, but knowing that my friends and family believe in me means that I know I'll be fine.

On Saturday night I went out for a meal with the people I love and had just the loveliest time. Somehow I managed to leave the anorexia at home for the night, relax and enjoy myself......and even eat some baklava! I was free and had fun, which I haven't done for far too long. Maybe that's why I want to work with children - being a kid should be about playing and having fun, and for so many reasons, it isn't always like that. And that is something I would like to help change.

There are times, usually late at night when I can't sleep, when I worry that I'm not done with my eating disorder, that I never got ill enough, that I'm not ready to let it go just yet. And I realise how absurd that sounds - how can a person cling to something which nearly destroyed them? That's something I don't yet have the answer to, and logic tends to fly out of the window. All I know for sure is that I don't feel alone anymore. As corny as it sounds, I do feel very much surrounded by love and support. So while it may be a long time before the anorexic thoughts disappear entirely, just thinking about that love helps make them go away.

There have been moments when I have wanted to go back in time, to re-do my life and never have developed an eating disorder, but I could never decide which point in time I would return to. To 8 when I first went on a diet? To 14 when I worked out how to make myself vomit? At university I read Diderot's Jacques le fataliste et son maître, in which Jacques believes that tout ce qui nous arrive de bien et de mal ici-bas était écrit là-haut - literally that everything happens for a reason. I haven't retained much of the knowledge I was supposed to be gaining at Nottingham (although I can still remember which bars and clubs do which offers on cheap drinks and where to get a decent pizza delivered after 2am), but that has always stayed with me, and even if I had the opportunity to time-travel now, I wouldn't go back and do it differently. Although this year in particular has been hellish, I have gained so much in return. I used to wonder why I had to get ill, why it had to happen to me, but maybe I needed to be literally stripped to my core to start to see things as they really are, to realise who I really am and what is important to me. If it took me losing nearly everything to finally see how much I really have, then I can start to be ok with what has happened over the past few years, stop wasting time wishing it hadn't happened and start to move forwards.

I've learned that all a person has in life is family and friends. If you lose those, you have nothing, so friends are to be treasured more than anything else in the world.

~ South Park

The Fear

I'm leaving in just over a week, in 8 days......and the reality of what I'm doing is starting to hit me. I'm excited and looking forward to the experience, but also nervous, scared, terrified. What if I can't do it? What if I'm kidding myself about being in recovery, and I'm actually not well enough to be going away? What if I get sick while I'm on the project and end up being a massive burden to other people? What if everyone hates me? What if I'm terrible at teaching?

Or what if I stop thinking and just get on with it? Feel the fear and do it anyway. Fear is natural....I felt this way before I started uni, before my year abroad, before camp, and those things turned out ok. Better than ok even. And I think feeling scared is almost good, because for so long I haven't really felt anything, I have just been numb to the world. The only fear I have actually felt has been associated with gaining weight and eating foods I consider scary. This is different - I'm not scared about going to Africa because of the food or my weight, but because it's so daunting, so new and I have no idea what to expect.

Anorexia is a bitch. Just when I think it's starting to lessen, it rears its ugly head again. This is my response to any kind of fear or anxiety I think, to distract myself from what is really bothering me by fussing about what I weigh and what I eat. For the past week or so the anorexic thoughts have increased, probably because I'm so nervous about going away. It's far easier for my brain to waste time worrying about the calorie content of every muffin in Starbucks than for me to contemplate what I am about to do, and the possibility that I might fail. But the anorexia has already taken so much from me, and I won't let it win again. To do that would mean not only letting myself down, but other people too. People like my family and friends who have supported me, encouraged me, made me realise that I am stronger than I thought I was, that I can be anyone I want to be and do anything I want to do. And, most importantly, I don't want to let down the people I am going to be working with. It may sound corny, but I want to help people, to make a difference and do something positive for people, no matter how small an impact I may have. So I need to adopt the slogan of a certain well-known sportswear brand, stop thinking so much and just bloody do it!

You cannot find peace by avoiding life.

~  The Hours

Human pincushion

I am a human pincushion and have been injected to within an inch of my life in preparation for my trip. Well, perhaps not quite. As well as a tendency to digress, I also exaggerate - a lot! It was more like two injections, but they really hurt! I think I was more hardcore as a small child. At 6 it didn't phase me, but at 26 I was weighing up whether contracting some foreign disease was a more attractive option than having a needle stuck in my arm! My arms did actually really ache afterwards, but I'm thinking I'd be complaining a lot more if I got hepatitis A, diphtheria or typhoid!

The thing is, getting those injections was so easy and it was free. We complain about the NHS, and while it is severely lacking in some areas, we all still have access to free healthcare. If someone gets sick, collapses in the street, has a car accident, they are taken to hospital and treated, no matter what their sex, race or social status. It is just so wrong that those rights don't exist in every country today, in 2009.

I dropped Geography in school after Year 9, so I don't really know a whole lot about other countries. Or indeed my own country. When I applied for uni I found out that Bath and Bristol were on the opposite side of the UK to where I had thought they were. My parents paid a small fortune for me to go to private school and learn about Oldham and the Spindles shopping centre in Geography lessons!

With that in mind, I decided it was time to do some reading on South Africa. I went as far as getting Nelson Mandela's book off my Dad's shelf, but never got around to cracking it open. And neither has he....there's not one tiny crease in the spine. Clearly it's a display book to make him look more insightful and intelligent. A lot like my copy of Pride and Prejudice then (although in my defence, I have seen both the film and the TV series!). So I went for something a little lighter and have just finished reading Rainbow Diary: A Journey in the New South Africa by John Malathronas. Think Bill Bryson, but younger, gay and not adverse to a spot of recreational drug-usage and you're along the right lines......

After just a couple of chapters I was astounded by how much I didn't know about South African history and culture. I don't really want to get into a political rant, but it scares me how something like apartheid could continue until so recently. I mean, I can remember as far back as 1994, it was in my lifetime. How is it even possible that a regime like that could carry on until then? There is so much I want to say on the subject, but I don't know where to start. Yet.

But I have thought about what I believe....

• I believe that everybody has the right to education and healthcare and other fundamental things, no matter what their gender, race, age, sexual orientation or social circumstances.
• I believe in the power of dreams and imagination.
• I believe that love and laughter really can be the best medicine.
• I believe that anything is possible.

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules

Of someone else's game

Too late for second-guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes: and leap!

~ Elpheba, Wicked

PGCE

I've just sent in my application to do a PGCE in September 2010. It had to be in by December 1st, meaning I needed to get it done before I went away. Which is good really, as otherwise I'd have procrastinated like crazy and ended up not doing the damn thing until about 11pm on November 30th. I've applied for Primary Education (with Modern Languages) so you only get to choose two institutions. In a way it's good because the choice is narrowed down, but what if neither accept me?!

The thought of not getting a place is pretty scary, I don't even want to think about it. What if they don't like my application? Or they meet me in an interview and decide I'm no good? The fact that I'm so worried I won't get a place shows me that this is something I really want to do, that teaching is the right path for me. Unfortunately it doesn't make me any less anxious about whether or not I'll be accepted onto a course!

For my personal statement I wrote a lot about my time at camp and also about going to South Africa and what I am hoping to achieve over there, and probably sound a lot like Alyson Hannigan's character in American Pie (although I swear I have never done anything inappropriate with a flute!). But this is something I care a lot about, something I'm passionate about, and I'm not ashamed of that. For so long all I cared about was food, calories, my weight, my BMI, and there was just nothing beyond that. My world was nothing more than an eating disorder....excuse the pun, but I was literally consumed by it.

My Aunt told me recently that I come alive when I talk about camp, and somehow it does feel like I am coming back to life. There's a whole world out there and I'm only just seeing it for the first time, or seeing it through new eyes. It's bloody scary, but also so exciting. In the past, I've always let the fear overtake the excitement and run back to my eating disorder, but not this time. Life is just too short, there's so much to see and do, and I feel like I've already wasted way too much time by being ill, so I can't afford to waste another second.

Last time I ended with a quote, and I've decided to carry on doing that.....because, well, it's my blog and I can kind of do what I want! So here's another pearl of wisdom for you.....

I could not, at any age, be content to take my place by the fireside and simply look on. Life was meant to be lived. Curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life.

 ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

This one time, at Adventure Camp.........

This past weekend I was in London, mainly for a training weekend with BUNAC, the company who I did Summer Camp USA with back in 2007. I have a position with them where I'm a Student Marketing Co-Ordinator. It sounds fancy, but really just means that I big BUNAC up at universities and encourage other students to do summer camp and the other programmes. It's something for the CV anyway.....

Being around other people who have done summer camp did remind me just how much I loved it and that I absolutely want to go back next summer. I have never felt more free to be myself than I did when I was over in New Hampshire. The experience is so hard to describe - it's intense, the hardest work I've ever done, crazy, mad, emotional. Within a single day you can experience every feeling under the sun. The kids are funny, amazing, inspiring, yet intensely annoying and frustrating at times! As far as jobs go, being a counselor doesn't look so appealing on paper - the pay isn't amazing, you live with teenagers, sometimes your evening meal is something your campers cooked for you over a log fire (seriously kids....how hard is it to boil pasta?!), you work pretty much from the second you wake up until you hit your bunkbed at night and get maybe two days off a fortnight. Am I selling it yet?! The thing is....the mud, the tears and the tiredness are what make the experience. Without a doubt I have never done a more rewarding job - and I really hope South Africa will be more of the same.


Described by my friends as a 'girly' girl, I like clothes, make up, cosmetics. I paint my nails and blow dry my hair. I like to shower every day, wear clean clothes. Mainly I wear skirts and dresses and read subscriptions to Marie Claire and Glamour. But not at camp. At camp showering daily was a rare treat, and there wasn't time for blow drying my hair afterwards. At camp there's no point painting your nails because they'll just get chipped when you're collecting wood for a fire! I had to sleep in the wilderness, face my fears, climb high ropes courses, overturn a kayak, jump into a murky (and snake-inhabited) lake, learn to mountain-bike. Not only did I do all of those things, I enjoyed doing them. I was proud of myself for achieving something other than losing weight. What annoys me is that I can face up to the fear of jumping down from a high ropes course (even if it did take a lot of persuasion!) but I can't let myself eat a sodding muffin. My biggest fear was falling off a mountain bike and getting hurt.....one rainy day it happened. Did I break a limb? Did I get hurt at all? No, I just jumped back on the bike, carried on and had a pretty awesome bruise to show off! So why can't I do that in my real life?

This weekend has definitely made me feel a lot more excited about SA! I've been focusing on how nervous I am, but now I've truly remembered how much fun working with kids can be, that every negative minute is outweighed by an hour of fun, laughter and positivity, that I can let go, be myself and have fun too.

Every camp meal starts with an inspirational quote, and with that in mind, I want to end with my favourite quotation. Ok, it's not by Nelson Mandela, Mother Theresa, Ghandi or even Sarah Palin(!) but I still love it and it is something I want to apply to myself and my life:

The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.
 ~ Carrie Bradshaw, Sex & the City